Colin Powell can't be in Barack Administration

Yo my peoples.  I know my title is a really big assumption considering that we really haven't voted as yet.  But who cares.  I know you don't cause if you did you wouldn't be reading this crap.  And to be honest, I can't even lie to you(well i could but it would be pointless) what you are about to read is pretty much just that.  Are you done being stunned with my self deprecating? I do it all the time.  Ok i am even getting bored with the rhetoric back to the regularly sometimes irregular broadcasted writing.

I don't know how many of you know this but Colin Powell is a great man.  His skills as a general and secretary of state would be an asset to any administration.......except a Barack led administration.  If you haven't noticed Barack is Black(Hey that rhymed).  What does that mean Sheldon (Na duh e eee(ya'll remember that.  only NYers probably)).  Barack's blackness means nothing for African Americans.  But means alot for Jamaicans.  WHY?  Because if he selects Colin Powell for any position it is over, due to us knowing that he is Jamaican.

We didn't want to mess with him while he was working under Bush because we knew Cheney carries more cutlass than we do.  But under Barack OHH MY OH ME!  First off he can forget thinking his name is phonetically colon.  He would get calls while he is meeting in the Oval office with Barack talking bout 

"Eh Barry, wey Cahlin deh? Tell im se Juni de pon di phone."  

"Excuse me? This iS our emergency phone how did you get this number"

"Boss lisen mi, you don't worry how mi get it. U just tun ova di phone to Cahlin.  Tell im dat mass ronal want to know if im cyan borro di plane fi di weekn. "

"Plane?"

"Yes man, di 1 we u ride pon all di while.  I just need a borros fi carry 2 barrel down fi mi granny.  And fi pick up sitin. Mi granny se di sweet sop dem nice so mi haffi go pick up couple"

Barack to Colin. "Do you know a Juni?"

Juni hears and says "No man im no no me.  Mi is jus a yard breddrin"

Ya'll get the picture. Next we would try to use Colin name like a get out of jail free card.  "Does you know who I is? Eee? Does you? I related to one of di top man.  GET YU HAN OFA MI BEFOR MI LASS YOU AND CALL CAHLIN!"

There are so many reasons this would be a bad.  I don't want to over saturate your mind with the options.  But trust me, i personally would abuse that type of west indian power.  I would call him middle of the night with "Cahlin, wha gwaan?  Dis a shelly. Mi just want to know if you lend me a bills(Patwa for $100 or an undisclosed amount of money).  Or just buy me di new Jordan dem.  Tonite me wha look fresh fi di Passa Passa"

Anyhow.  Barack THE VOTE!!

Forward this to yardies and fools alike,

Respek

Di Yard Man

 

What i learned from turning 30

Hey my lucky people.  I know you must be saying to yourself.  "He is back, come on honey go get the kids.  Let's all sit around and read some of the crap that Shel has is store for us today". If that is not what you are thinking that means you don't have kids.  Just take out that part and that is exactly what you were thinking........maybe not.  Anyhow(sorry for the incoherent babbling of an intro) so i am back.  The delay was I was busy as Sarah Palin's interview writer over the last couple of weeks.  After the katie couric interview they gave me the axe because they said that i made her sound too smart. So here i am back at blogging.  btw it was a pretty sweet deal.  I was the one that told her to say that she could wake up and see Putin when he is mowing his lawn.  See now ya'll can't stop talking about it.   

Ok......so for those who don't know i just turned 30.  As i approached the day I had some worries.  You know you hear stories about guys that turn 30 and then whamooooo! they lose there sense of style.  I have seen it first hand. You end up leaving the house and come to church in sweat pants church socks penny loafers a polo shirt and a members only jacket. (We R Perswaded, minus a guy whose name should remain secret due to the nature of these blogs.  but his name rhymes with Stobert Pennedy, am I lying?)  At 30 you are supposed to see that first rogue gray hair show up.  That first click in your back arrives when you are doing certain exercises!(I really wanted to make that joke, but why it is too easy there).  Needless to say, I was fearful of 30, although i didn't tell anyone.

But 30 is here....I don't feel much different.  I did have the momentary feeling to wear

a pair of argyle socks and a jacket with the suade elbows. A pair of mustard pants and a full paisley shirt. But i think that was just the bad sandwich that i ate the night before.  Or temporary insanity.  I will never see a gray hair as long as Dark and lovely exist(i am pretty sure that there is a man's version but i am so lazy that i don't even want to search CVS website...Wait is that a sign of 30s...wait i was lazy before. forget the panic) The click in my back......I man drink strong back soup!! I man no get click ina fi him bak.  I man wikid pon di dance floor. I man...(ok enough you are getting corny now...NOW? This entire is!)

The one thing 30 has taught me.  I am no longer 29 and falling on your face while skating still hurts just as bad now as it did then.  30 means my insurance goes down another percent.  30 means I am one step closer to begging for Split Pea soup for friday dinner.  Honestly(actually no joke right now), 30 means i have had 30 years of happiness and look forward to more.

(MAN that was tough)Anyhow, i just got a call from McCain's people, they are asking me if I can comeback and train Palin for the upcoming debate. I will have to check my schedule.  This week i am supposed to teach G Dubya contractions.  

Respek,

Di Yard Man

 

Good And Bad of 100 meter wins for JA!

Hello my lucky readers. You have just been selected to read my newest in, "My mind is wandering so i am taking the time to write something". (Yeah that is the name of the segment that i will do going forward..the name may change as that one doesn't have my Sheldonism to it...Please note that i am not editing this so there may be words missing so just fill them in as your mind reads) Anyhow....I don't know if many of you were so lucky as to see the men or women 100 meter race for the olympics....If you didn't please go to best buy and return your tv now because you are not using it for anything worth it. If you tv stays stuck on news then just return it and go to cnn.com....i just put $500 dollars back in some of your pocket. (Don't you love how this guy slightly insults you while still giving your life altering advice! BRILLIANT) But if you were smart you watched or atleast recorded these races.

Well, I did many many many times(meaning i am brilliant..TBD). My reaction was the same each time.....Jump up and down...add own jamaican bad word here......international jamaican gun shot symbol....do the peppa seed...signal di plane....do di 1 foot skank(not the american version of the word....that would be disgusting..plus i am married...ok i can't take this joke any further else you may stop reading...and my wife may end my writing and collect the 75 cent insurance policy that we got on me(again i just killed myself)).. but you get the point....I was happy or if you are from the islands appy when Bolt smashed the 100 mens. BUT then God saw divine providence and the yardie women SWEPT the 100 meters......My dance routine changed a little to include a bogle! More Fiya!!!! But in my joy i came a few conclusions and i wanted to share these conclusions with you unsuspecting readers.

Blessings of 100 meter win
1. Jamaica got some respect on the track again
2. Proof that you can take 2 liters of blood and still smash a record
3. Jamaica get a new dance called the bolt(did you see da shimmy?)
4. Jamaican reggae artist gets to remix brian mcknight's "one last cry" and dedicate it to Tyson Gay
5. We now know that some chicken nugget and sleep is the perfect prerace meal.

Curses of 100 meter win
1. We get to watch the stupid interviewer listen in vain to usain and shelly-ann(the winners of the races) right after the race. That is when our english no quite kick in yet because we are excited so it is pure patwa..HOW YU MEAN....ME JUS GO SMASH UP DI RACE!! MORE FIYA...[puzzled look on interviewers face]
2. Some idiot parents are gonna misread "Yes man growing up i never had sneakers so i used to race to school barefoot". If you live in the hood areas...(not to name any such locations, but if your city rhymes with crooklyn....you get the picture)
3. Jamaican parents will misread the same thing....and move from wonderful Montego Bay or St. Elizabeth and go to trelawny(where bolt lives) and take away their kids shoes."Shut u mout bwoy...you no se how Bolt run faus....mi want di reward!!....(they actually mean award) [kuff](the sound of kid getting knock in the back of his head...natural yardie reaction)"
4. Biggest curse is that now every jamaican is gonna try to race tyson gay...His life has officially ended. I am telling you the yout that is cook number 2 at Big Up Bashment Pattie Shop or Golden Crust sees tyson on the street it is over. "EH GAY BWOY. Yu B Man!!!....Come race me...You cyan se me...ME A YARDIE..MORE FIYA!!! CHAT BOUT!!"

There may be many more but i just gave you a few that were running through my mind...As you can tell even though i am jamaican i know that we have some short comings...as a matter of I am racing a guy after work for taking my parking spot this morning....If you see a short man running up DC streets bare foot with a jamaican flag wrapped around his neck looking like captain jamaica don't even question who it is.....

Forward this to yardies and crazy people alike.
Respek,
Di Yard Man